I feel awful. I've been having nightmares, panic attacks, bloody noses, and migranes, among other things. I can feel the end of the greatest friendship I've ever had creeping up on me, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I am failing the majority of my classes and yet I still allow myself to skip entire days. I have no plans or goals or hobbies and I feel really useless. Most of the time I don't really feel sad, I just feel strange, but I find myself thinking about suicide a lot, and not for any reason I can name. And its frightening sometimes, how close I can come to convincing myself. And I sorta wonder if the reason I never do anything is because I've changed my mind, or just out of sheer laziness.

I need to see a doctor, but I don't know if I could handle doctors appointments on top of everything else that I have yet to do. I feel like one of these days the stress is going to collapse me.

But I don't know what to do...

I miss my mom and my sisters. I wish I could give everyone a reason to be proud of me. I have no motivation.

I haven't forgotten about this, rest assured. I just have hardly anything to talk about recently, except work, and people can only really take so much of that. So I'll just touch on it for now. Work is going pretty good. Some days are better than others, but in general I would say I'm still enjoying it. Rich people are pigs, but it makes for some pretty great stories. I blew my first paycheck in one day, all $320. Thats okay though, because I think its some kind of rite of passage or something.

Anyway, I cleaned my room today, which is the first productive thing I've done in a while. So I feel relatively good about myself for that.

Today was my day off and it was pretty nice. Stayed home with my little sister. She made me play Monopoly with her. It was excruciatingly  boring and she's the worst loser ever. But the rest of the day was fine.

The other day I was on the floor in my room working on something and out of the corner of my eye I saw this huge ugly spider crawling around. Normally I really don't mind spiders, in fact I kind of enjoy them, but this one was so fucking big and hideous and it had to die. So I picked up a piece of paper off the floor and smashed the spider with it. I expected to just see a squished bug when I lifted it back up, but oh no. There was this horrible white pus shit coming out of it and all of its legs were wriggling. I tried to smash it again and kill it all the way but all I accomplished was severing one of its legs, which continued to wriggle even after being detached. After that I just scooped it up with the paper and threw it in the trash. I don't know why but something about the whole thing really disturbed me. I feel nautious just writing about it. I can't think about it without my throat tightening, and I've been having nightmares about it since. I probably couldn't talk about it without throwing up. I think it was seriously the most horrid thing I've ever seen, and I'm one of those people who goes on rotten.com and looks at pictures of people with their brains blown out just because I'm curious. Once I removed a splattered squirrel off the hood of someone's car with my bare hands and that hardly phased me. And yet I'm scarred for life by the spider episode. It's times like these I wish I still had a shrink.

xo

Yeah, so work is really really fun. The Broadmoor is so big and fascinating. I learn something new about it every day. And most of the people I work with are really cool too. More than anything I like that you're working by yourself pretty much the whole time, and you work at your own pace in whatever order you want and generally run your own show. My feet hurt at the end of my shift and I'm tired and hungry and I complain about it, but I really do have a good time.

The bad thing is though that the hours are just so that I never see my family. Like I leave before they get home and when I get home they're asleep. It's starting to make me really sad, especially because my little sister really misses me and stuff. Today was my day off and I spent the whole day with her, which was good. I'm going to start writing her letters and stuff, so she has some kind of contact with me.

Also, I've been talking a lot with this really great guy named Danny. He lives in Portland, but he's so cool. We have this bizarrely amazing connection. It really is like he's my other half. The best part is that he feels the same about all of it as I do. We'll see where it all ends up, eh?

xo

I have neglected the hell out of this, and there really is no excuse for it. I have neglected quite a bit of things lately, so its not you, I promise.

I got a job at the Broadmoor, which is cool. I get paid 8.15 an hour to turn down people's beds for them. It's a good job, I think I'll enjoy it. I guess the Broadmoor is a bigger deal around here than I thought it was. And there's a really good principle behind it and I like that. If you wanna come bug me at work it costs about $600 a night to stay there, not including the fancy resaurants and the spa and stuff.

Nothing much else is new. I have this huge list of stuff I need to get done but I always get distracted or sleepy or I tell myself I'll do it later. I'm the procrastinator extraordinare.

Anywho, I'll try to be more consistant with this. I know I said that before, but yeah. Maybe now that I have a job I'll have some good stories.

xo

So I'm actually awake in the morning. Morning has become something of a foreign concept to me these past few weeks. I try to get up early enough, but my body just won't let me. Today for the first time in my life I slept through the blaring of my alarm clock. That simple fact left me so uneasy and perturbed when I finally did wake, that I forced myself to get up right then and there.

But I almost wish I hadn't because now I am excruciatingly bored. I downloaded a job application for the Broadmoor Hotel instead of walking the short distance to pick one up, and now my laziness is complete.

Soon I will probably watch Femme Fatale and do similar things to pass the time. These days I feel like the only reason I get up in the morning is so that I can wait around to back to bed. I don't mean that in a depressed way, I simply mean that I never do anything worth while. And I don't like it. I need a hobby.

xo

I have neglected for quite a while, and I am sorry to anyone who cares. There's so much I could talk about... drama and parties and laziness and so on. But all I can think about is California Nik, who I have known and nearly obsessed over for almost 4 years. He is, as stupid as it sounds, as close as anyone can come to being my version of the perfect boy. Usually I have enough control so that I don't think about him all the time, but now I can't stop. He told me the other day that he thought it was about time he came out here and visited me already. It's like I was born to hear that come from him, like the words complete me or something. Now all I can think about is if he was really serious, or if he's just going to give and not deliver. And what will I do if he actually comes out here? And why am I thinking about it so much?

I feel like nothing but a stupid girl, but I can't help myself.

xo

So today was semi productive.

Went shopping and got a new halter top, a tank top, a jacket, a book, and 2 magazines.My dad's also gonna give me some money for a haircut. Yay.

I watched Finding Neverland today. It was beautiful.

I also watched I <3 Huckabees,and The Life Aquatic this weekend, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed and would highly recommend.

Tomorrow I'm going back to my mom's house. I'm expecting a present from a lovely friend of mine to come in the mail, as well as my grades. And obviously at some point I'll be getting my hair cut. I also still need to give that girl her internet classes, and get paid for them. I need to do my internet class too, arg.

Yep... so I'm off to do some reading or something of the like.

xo

Yep. I'm at my dad's house just relaxing. Sometimes I forget how much I like being alone in my room. It's really theraputic.

Last night we went to Club Q, which is a gay club. There weren't too many people there, and all the girls there came in couples and stuff. But Marz, Megan, and I danced and played pool and stuff. It was also kareoke night which was amusing. Back at Megan's house Sean got drunk and masturbated to gay porn. That was interesing.

Today I just lounged around and watched TV all day. I also watched The Goonies for the first time in a long time. It was a little disappointing. It wasn't as good as I remembered.

I want to go shopping this weekend. I don't really have much money but I still want to get a couple of shirts or something, who knows.What would you buy if you were me?

I've been really lonely lately. I want to be in a relationship badly. Like last night driving home I would have given anything to have someone to call just to tell them about my night and to say goodnight and that I miss them and all of that. I've never really had that. I wish I could find someone who would treat me like a queen...

I know I can't force it but it's hard to be patient.

xo

I'm feeling a bit better I suppse. I've regained almost complete usage of my ankle, and although I lost my voice, my cough isn't as harsh.

And um.. I've just been hanging out... summer fun. Today I have to do chores, though. I have like 5 loads of laundry to do, and this girl from my school is paying me to do her internet classes, and they have to be done in 10 days, so I need to get those out of the way, too.

I don't know whats in the works for the weekend. It's my weekend at my dad's house, and I wanted to spend it just hanging out there, but my lovely sister came along to fuck that up for me, so who knows.

As always, I will keep you posted.

xo